the four right chords can make me cry

i was thinking of that time back home, when feeling numb was the only way to get by. I hardly laughed, my smiles were all forced, and the only emotion i could provoke was anger, and even then, not very well. I was afraid that something inside me had died, for good.

that fear followed me here, i think. its manifested in the inability to see wonder in the life around me, the failure to enjoy the things around me. in the dead zone, the no man's land, neither happy nor sad. a grey flat line. nothing excites me.

it makes me think about what he said about stability and stagnation. i hate it how, after all this time, one person's words can still have such profound effect on me. Just as they once did when i was only 14. that's eight years ago now, but i haven't changed, so the numbers don't really matter do they.

all those things i saw in myself and hated, they're still there, too.

but at least i know i'm not dead. and that's because right now, i really feel like talking, which is a strange kinda mood to be seized by, at least for me. to me it heralds the stirrings of something deep down that's beginning to come alive again, and wants somewhere to go.

i haven't had a proper conversation in too long. i really miss friends like chels, serene and enai right now.

perhaps i'll bloom when the daffodils do. we'll see.

posted by beckyboo @ 5:35 AM